Friday, December 2, 2011

Jonathan Alexander

Seven years ago today, I lost my much loved, dreamed of, hoped for and wanted son, Jonathan. I keep waiting for the loss to get easier, but having my twin boys has actually made it harder. Going through first teeth, first laughs, the way they like to hold my hand and won't let me let go, makes me realize how much I really missed and lost. Some days I feel okay, even weeks and some I feel completely overwhelmed. I wish I were strong enough to share my story. It is just too hard. I think I've probably stopped and cried at least five times already.

What I wanted most was to take this day to acknowledge him, tell him how much I love him, that I think of him every day, that I have never stopped talking about him, never stopped wishing things could have been different, that he will never be forgotten, that he always was and always will be loved.

An amazing group came to help me grieve and left me with the most beautiful handmade box full of poems, notes, little keepsakes and trinkets along with support, understanding and so many things I needed at the time. The last thing I wanted to share was a poem that was given to me:


I love you Jonathan. ~ Mommy